So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
