I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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