I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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