Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize