Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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