And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
