I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize