The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
