This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
