i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
