I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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