Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
