the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
