I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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