he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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