I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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