Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
