his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
