I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
i think im in europe. pls send help
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
