What did we do last night that was yellow?
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
