i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
