Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
