he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
