O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
