It's like God shit irony all over that family
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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