I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
