I have demons in me.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My vagina is officially offended.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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