He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
