I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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