you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
