so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
