true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
