I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
