I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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