my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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