i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
