How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
