There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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