Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
