She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
