I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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