so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Randomize