Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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