Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
