today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
