If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
