I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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