I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
