did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
