Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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