you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize