I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
