i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
