Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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