I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
