you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Two words: blizzard sex
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
